Managing conflict in a relationship
What are The Four Horsemen in relationships?
Relationship therapists often refer to signs of a failing relationship as “The Four Horsemen” (from The Gottman Institute). They are a metaphor for communication styles that can predict the end of a relationship.
The Four Horsemen are Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling.
Criticism
There is a difference between a complaint and a criticism. A complaint is made when you voice a specific concern to your partner, whereas a criticism is made when you attack your partner’s character.
Complaint:
“I was sad when you didn’t call me on my birthday. I know you’ve been busy, but we had agreed to acknowledge each other on special days”
Criticism:
“You aren’t forgetful, you’re just selfish! You always put your work first and never think of me!”
Complain, but do not criticize.
How do we manage criticism?
Target the behavior you dislike, not the person. Do not attack your partner’s character.
Try speaking with “I” statements. This means starting your sentences with “I [think/feel/was/etc.]”, which keeps the focus on your own thoughts and feelings, rather than on your partner.
For example, “I was hurt when you did not call me”, instead of, “You are awful for not calling me”.
Contempt
Contempt is an attack on your partner with the intention of insult or psychological abuse. Contempt goes far beyond criticism. While criticism is to attack your partner’s character, contempt is to put them down and assume superiority over them.
How do we manage contempt?
Understand your own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors so you can recognize what you are really upset about. Contempt is fueled by your negative thoughts that have long simmered. Learn to communicate these negative thoughts before they build up and explode.
Speak respectfully even when you are angry. Avoid disrespectful language, such as eye rolling, name-calling, sneering, or sarcasm.
Build a culture of appreciation. Notice when your partner is doing something right, and appreciate them for it.
Defensiveness
Defensiveness is typically a response to criticism. When people feel unjustly accused, they jump to excuses or play innocent. Defensiveness is not a successful strategy because it signals to your partner that you are not taking their concerns seriously and not willing to take responsibility for your mistakes.
Concern:
“This is the fourth time in the last few months that you’ve shown up late to a social event. And you haven’t been communicating with me whenever you are running late. I feel like my time is not being appreciated.”
Defensive response:
“You know just how busy my schedule’s been. It’s impossible for me to predict when I’d be done with work. If you didn’t want me to show up late, you shouldn’t have made me come tonight!”
In the above example, the defensive response includes an attempt to blame the other partner for their concern.
How do we manage defensiveness?
It is understandable that you want to defend yourself when you feel attacked, but that does not allow for healthy conflict management. A defensive response can escalate conflict when your partner does not back down or apologize.
Rather than defensiveness, respond to your partner with acceptance. Don’t deny all criticism if there is truth to what your partner is saying. Instead, learn to accept at least some responsibility and communicate it to your partner.
Non-defensive response:
“I have been really busy lately and I don’t have control over my schedule. I should have at least told you that I would be coming late tonight. That’s my fault. I’ll communicate better next time.”
During an argument, focus on the desired outcome. If your partner is expressing to you that they don’t feel appreciated, ask yourself, “What can I learn from this? How do I solve this problem going forward?”
Stonewalling
Stonewalling is usually a response to contempt. It happens when the listener withdraws from the interaction or stops responding to their partner. Stonewalling includes evasive behaviors, such as tuning out, turning away, acting busy, or engaging in distractions.
How do we manage stonewalling?
Stonewalling frequently results from feeling physiologically flooded or overwhelmed. When you are flooded, you are not in a state to discuss things rationally. Learn to recognize the signs of flooding and ask your partner to take a break from the discussion. You can return to the conversation once you both feel ready. It may be useful to discuss a “safe word” with your partner beforehand if you notice that you have a habit of stonewalling.
Find a balance between tolerating low levels of discomfort and urgently stopping an argument that is too much for you.
Looking for tools to improve your relationship?
Here are a few of many resources available online:
Therapy is additionally a great way to address your relationship issues, whether you attend as a couple or as an individual client. My name is Anabel Helen and I’m a Toronto Asian therapist with expertise in ADHD, autism, BPD, and anxiety. Like many couples therapists, I am trained in The Gottman Method. Book a consultation with me. Together, we can identify The Four Horsemen in your relationship, learn how to cure them, and build up a stronger relationship.